One Way to Die at the Movie Theater: A Million Ways to Die in the West Review

NO SPOILERS!!!!!!!

What do you get when you take a terrible Adam Sandler movie, send it to a liberal arts university (not a state school) in the north east, and then send it back in time? A Million Ways to Die in the West.

Seth MacFarlane is back again with another extremely long episode of American Guy/Family Dad. This time he pulls a Tyler Perry and writes, directs, and acts in A Million Ways to Die in the West (The West, because I'm lazy); alongside Charlize Theron and the end all be all, Liam Neeson's.

Two years ago he released Ted in his directorial debut, which surprisingly turned an iconic toy into a foul-mouthed smash hit. Ted kicked ass in the box-office, was written extremely well, AND it was actually a good movie from all aspects (directing, plot, character development, punchlines, anecdotes, drama); well, if you could get passed the talking bear.

Like Ted, A Million Ways to Die in the West was written extremely well, but where Ted succeeded in story telling, character development, casting, and everything else West of the Louisiana Purchase, The West failed horribly and for multiple reasons.

For starters, it was a victim of its long, convoluted, and egregiously specific title. A title that literally shot itself in the foot, aiming for a toenail.

Have you ever seen that show 1000 Ways to Die? You know, the show that explicitly detailed the way you can die by sitting on an aerosol can? Well, the allure behind that show, TV show mind you, was to display 1000 ways that you could die outside of common deaths: car accidents, cancers, cardiac complications, another c word that I forgot.

So, approaching The West, OH! CRACK COCAINE that's the other c word, I expected to actually view the million ways to die in the West that I've never heard of before. Okay okay, maybe not actually ALL of the million but a hefty amount.

So why in the wild wild west did I only see ten?!?! Was the movie called, 10 ways to die in the West....um no, so por que la película llamada...oh sorry I speak Spanish after terrible movies, why is the movie called A Million Ways to Die in the West?!?!

As a matter of fact, this movie showed you a million ways to do something else: look hapless into the death stare of love only coming to the realization that your sought driven pilgrimage was a farce, and the object of your deferment should have been your affection the whole time. Yeah, quasi-Forgetting Sarah Marshall/Nick & Norah formula.

Unlike my motives for watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist, I didn't freaking go to a Seth MacFarlane movie which advertises COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY, oh and raunchy, shocking comedy, to watch a break-up romantic comedy with a recycled formulaic plot (by the way, the writing in those two movies...phenomenal **Jim Rome voice**).

Another thing that really grinds my gears about this movie is that it did not have a casting director. Stan Smith basically called up his buddies and solicited their services for his movie: the Batman's/Obi-Wan Kenobi's/Perseus's mentor, the porcelain skinned South African beauty, the Mouth filthier than the Nazi's morality during WWII, Doogie Howser, "Grandmother, what big eyes you have?", and the creep from his last feature film; at least that's what it felt like, because I couldn't have selected a group of people worse for the parts in the film.

Not saying that the group of actors and actresses are not talented in their own right (because they really are), but give me a list of people who you could NOT imagine acting in a Western comedy, and I bet Seth MacFarlane, Liam Neeson, Charlize Theron, Giovanni Ribisi, Sarah Silverman, Amanda Seyfried, and Barney Stinson make your list 99% of all the time.

All of them just felt out of place, from Sarah Silverman's raspy voice to Liam Neeson's native tongue (he's from Ireland...outlaw in Arizona? I think not).

Hell, even Charlize Theron's gorgeous face and Seth MacFarlane's supreme awareness as a sheep herder (associated with a lower status in the movie) felt wrong.

Just like this photo and what it implies

Neil Patrick Harris, playing a pompous douche-bag-starter-kit-with-instructions, was overly pretentious for a westerner and was seemingly tabbed solely for the dance number (it wouldn't be a MacFarlane production without one). The only people that sort of fit their parts in the West were the two people who disappeared from the movie for quite a while, Amanda Seyfried and Giovanni Ribisi.

Aside from the bogus title (which the main character says in the movie), the weak wack wopsided plot, and the casting, or lack thereof, the movie STILL sucked. Did I like it? Of course I did; I've honestly seen every episode of Family Guy, even the episodes in season 17.

The movie's jokes were smaht **Boston accent** ("smart" for the Harvard students) with depth that took shots at society's flaws, even modern day society's flaws.

The jokemaker and jokesayer, Seth MacFarlane, suffered from his own handsome-clean cut-racially ambiguous look, along with the fact that his fleshy self does not have an established character analysis or typecast.

Since Family Guy has characters that have been developed over a span of 12 seasons, jokes are associated with the specific character personas.

For simplicity, you could not imagine Peter Griffin making a coherent quip about politics; this type of joke is generally associated with Brian Griffin.

So with Seth MacFarlane not previously establishing his character in The West (by not acting in other movies), we get a guy basically doing "stand-up" in a movie (see Martin Lawrence), especially since he baited his jokes.

If he had starred in a couple of movies (as well as avoided hosting award's shows smh) prior to this, then maybe the general public would have gotten used to seeing his face in movies; perhaps then, his joke delivery would have probably been more readily accepted on the silver screen.

Baiting jokes? What do I mean by this? I mean just look above and notice the 14 different cranial/facial gestures he's doing with just four words (he's classically influenced and is a great orator, so I don't blame him).

Moreover, delivering jokes in front of a microphone and from behind an animated character in a TV show, gives you free reign on looking, acting, and even being however you want. If Seth MacFarlane picks his nose right before he delivers a punchline as Dr. Hartman then we wouldn't even notice. 

If you always tilt your head sideways prior to telling a joke, then the joke won't have the same surprise effect then it normally would if you didn't bait the joke by just saying it bluntly, especially if you're doing shock-comedy.

I mean look how natural Theron looks versus how wide Stewie's mouth is (normally this is called "overacting")

So, my question is...why didn't he just adapt this into a Family Guy episode? I can totes see this in a "Road to...the Wild West" episode with Stewie and Brian.

Stewie Griffin as Neil Patrick Harris...too easy

I'll tell you why, in the words of the Big Three of the 1970's...no not Walt Frazier, Earl Monroe, and Willis Reed you basketball crazed vermin, but the O'Jay's "For The Love of Money".

Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world :-(

It's been two weeks since its release and The West has already made it's money back, and then some (50 million on a 40 million dollar budget).

So, mission accomplished for Seth MacFarlane, who directed the hell out of another movie, and managed to bring in some money for his long awaited Family Guy movie; you know, the one he's been working on for three years now, the one with Brian, Stewie, and Peter; ah, I'm looking forward to seeing it.

Seriously though, this is a Redbox only type of movie; honestly, wait until you get the free code via text to rent it. I would only go to the movies and see it if someone buys your ticket.

I liked the movie a lot for its ambition and laughed out loud proudly at the jokes, but the jokes were not constant enough to keep you entertained throughout a TWO HOUR ROMANTIC COMEDY WESTERN that you've probably already have seen before.

I mean, you've literally seen this movie before

When the jokes aren't rolling back to back (a nice portion of them are seen in the trailer btw) AND the movie's harlequin baits his jokes, the punchline leaves little room for surprises; this allows you to notice flaws in the movie that you normally wouldn't have noticed if the jokes were non-stop.

Non-Stop just released on Blu-Ray/DVD/VHS/Google Play/Amazon Instant/iTunes June 10, 2014

Seth MacFarlane is a likable, funny guy who writes great jokes; I just think that Michael Cera (shown above Hannibal), Matt Damon, or even Mark Wahlberg would have crushed the lead role in this movie, since they have already established their likable, funny guy characters in other movies.

Get tha fuhk atta heah!

Since it will actually make you laugh, it was directed well, and it is making a lot of money in the box office, I will say that the movie is successful and Seth MacFarlane did a good job with what he sought out to do.

Unfortunately, because I had to wait in anticipation for the next joke, sifting longingly through dull plot points and holes, I can not give this movie a thumbs up; when the funny moments came, I came, but in my opinion there should never be a dull moment in a comedy...a summer comedy at that.

This obviously is his "go-to" move

Going into the movie knowing it's flaws will help you enjoy it, but with Neighbors already out and 22 Jump Street coming out today. I would use that 10 bucks on something more guaranteed, especially if Family Guy or American Dad isn't your cup of tea.

Watch 22 Jump Street out in theaters today 6/13/14...narc

Ultimately, this movie gets a big fat D...no not a penis, but the thing that "get's you degrees". For it's episodic like feel; concealment of the break-up rom-com story line in title and trailer; cheap cameos (Doc from Back to the Future, and Django from Django Unchained); infrequent witticism's to focus on a predictably bloated plot; talented yet poor choice in casting; and drawn out run time, the movie deserves the D, despite the great directing and intelligent, didactic jokes; I died twice: laughing when available, and watching...

That's me...on the ground...I have a glandular problem

The finished product is a cash cowboy that has a lot of nothing and some bright moments, only falling short to the creator's predecessor and ultimately suffering from the creator writing his self into a quagmire without a giggity to save it's life from a crash landing, alright!

X-Men: Days of Future Past Review - You Had Me At Mutants and Time-Travel

I watched Days of Future Past earlier this week and after that, and after a few conversations with @dlf219, I went back and watched all the movies in the franchise again. These are my thoughts on X-Men: Days of Future Past and the franchise as a whole (including spoilers).

I loved the movie. I thought it was great. I thought the acting was superb. The story was well-written (which is something we usually forego when it comes to superhero blockbusters). But this was the first movie since The Dark Knight in 2008 that drew me in and enveloped me with its plots and character conflicts. I felt for Charles Xavier, just as much as I felt for and resonated with Magneto. The X-Men franchise as a whole has always dealt with how minorities are treated and the injustices they are subjected to. I preferred this current installment to Mystique in X-Men: First Class saying this: 

That aside, I'm glad to see that James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender and Jennifer Lawrence reprise their roles Professor X, Magneto and  Mystique. It's really the first time since Heath Ledger in 2008, that we've gotten to witness professionals flex their acting guns in a superhero movie, especially from Fassbender and McAvoy. 

The audience is immediately thrown into the fray at the start of the movie, which is pretty important. Which marks this as one of the first superhero blockbusters (that I can remember) that looks past the origin story or tries to introduce and familiarize its audience with what they should know or not. These guys jumped right into it. By doing so we had a movie that didn't dedicate thirty minutes to an hour, discovering powers, explaining back stories and really without any of the fluff that you would usually find in an origin movie. This allowed the writers to plunge right into the story, which I loved as a comic book geek. I did the time reading all those issues and watched all those animated TV shows as a kid. LET ME REAP MY REWARDS!

Sidenote: That's one of the reasons why geeks and critics alike prefer a majority of the animated movies (especially those produced by DC Comics and Warner Bros). A story is taken from the pages and put on the screen; end production. Not to be ungrateful, but no I don't need the first hour of the movie to explain to me why Joker does what he does. I understand why it's done, but whatever. Random tangent anyway. Back to X-Men.

More action scenes, or more plot. I prefer the latter, which is really what makes this a movie I can watch again and again.

I loved the introduction of newer, less popular mutants; Sunspot, Blink, Shadowcat, Bishop and Colossus make an appearance in a battle against the new and improved Sentinels. Quicksilver makes his big screen debut for the mutant movie franchise and it was AWESOME! If you haven't watched the movie yet, I'm sure you've heard about his 2-3 minute scene. Witty, playful, oddly calm... Evan Peters does a good job portraying his character. It's the best action scene I've seen in a superhero movie since Nightcrawler's assassination attempt on the U.S. President in X-2. This scene was damn near perfect. Jim Croce's "Time in a Bottle" was the perfect song and allowed us to witness one of the best bullet-time scenes I've seen since The Matrix.

Looking back, I kinda feel bad. I was disgusted when the movie posters were originally released and I saw the costume design etc. My apologies. Good job Bryan Singer and co.

Sidenote 2: I don't get why his character wasn't utilized more in the movie. He was obviously a big help earlier. You'd think Wolverine would recruit to help save the world. You could argue that it was because he's a kid but...

I digress. I loved the movie. Even though it's essentially a reset button that allows us to forget everything they did in the first two movies (yes I wiped Last Stand completely from memory). This is good for screenwriting purposes cause they can erase all the plot holes and inconsistencies from those and start on a clean slate. This is great for the studio franchise, cause guess what? It's all about money. Sony has Spider-man, Warner Bros has DC Comics and Disney/Marvel have the Avengers. It's an arms race guys, and Disney/Marvel is in the lead. Everyone else is playing catch-up. This is the healthiest reboot I've seen by far which means we don't have to suffer through any more origin stories (hopefully) and I cannot wait for the next movie in the franchise. The post-credits scene showed a young Apocalypse. Fox can't afford to mess this up. You literally cannot mess up an Apocalypse story in 2014. I won't stand for it! A great movie will give Fox the push they need to gain ground on the Avengers franchise.

The only thing I have left to add is this. As much as I love Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart and their on-set chemistry and real-life bromance, I think it's time the reins of those two characters are passed on to Fassbender and McAvoy. I don't know how that would happen without creating more inconsistencies but whatever. I enjoy their dynamic as friends turned enemies and the franchise just needs an a change. A breath of fresh air if you will, and I think those two can give it what it needs.

All in all. Great movie. B+. The franchise gets an A for near-seamless restructuring and execution. Well done. 

Jack is Back

There are heroes. And there are those guys you know you can call on no matter what to get the job done. Then there's Jack Bauer. Jack is THE guy. The hero you love to watch, but only from afar because no one wants that job. No one wants that pressure. No one wants to take on the risk or suffer the consequences or can handle the toll that Jack takes on himself every time he's called upon once again to save the nation. The man strikes fear into the hearts of terrorists and shady politicians alike. 

24 premiered in 2001 with a pretty interesting gimmick. Each episode took place in real time in exactly one hour. We were introduced to a younger Jack Bauer, played by Kiefer Sutherland, who seemed to have everything going for him. Great job as the head of CTU (Counter Terrorist Unit), great wife in Teri Bauer, and your average, annoying, airhead teenage daughter. You know... Pretty decent life. The clock starts. Jack's called in to investigate a threat on President Palmer's life (played by Dennis Haybert and arguably the greatest fictional president ever) and things spiral out of control for the next 8 seasons. 

Jack got betrayed by his closest confidant. He lost his wife. His relationship with his daughter was severely strained. He lost his job. He started listening to Drake. Nothing was the same. And this was all in Day 1...  Just kidding about the Drake thing but I'm sure you get the point. THAT WAS JUST SEASON 1! Time and time again, Fox writers came up with a new threat to national security and Jack had to come out of retirement to show the kids how the big boys handled business.

How does he keep coming back over and over? At the end of every 24th episode, Jack fades off into obscurity. Wandering off and disappearing off the grid, at times presumably dead. Yet he comes back. Jack never dies. Somewhere along the line I believe, Jack Bauer sneaked all stealth-like into Kiefer Sutherland's bedroom and killed him in his sleep and has been living his life since then. It only makes sense. For a show that should have had a shelf-life of 5 seasons, he came back for a tv-movie and 3 more seasons. 

Last time we saw Jack, he had wandered off once again after delivering brute, uncompromising justice to the highest officials in the land. Two Presidents of the United States. The show honestly fell off after the 5th season. The gimmick was old. How many more threats could Jack believably take on. But Jack Bauer did a great acting job portraying the lead character and carrying the show's weak writing. It was a satisfying end to see our hero run off into the morning sun. 

Until now... NOW THIS. 24 Live Another Day. This zombie... How many more damn bullets do we need to collectively pump into this show before it goes away? I love Jack as much as I love Batman, but honestly enough is enough. Let the man breathe. Unless you dug up Tom Clancy from his grave too, it is going to be tough to rewrite this show into its former greatness. Inasmuch as I feel this way, I do sincerely hope the season pans out well, so that new generations can see the hero that is Jack Bauer... Or at the very least pick up Seasons 1-5 on Netlfix. You won't be disappointed.