X-cutioner Style: Days of Future Past Review

NO MAJOR PLOT SPOILERS!!!!

On its knees knelt, on its last stand, the "present" and initial vehicle of the X-men franchise. With its back to the wall and seemingly devoid of any oxygen to utter it's last breath, a tourniquet of some sorts arrived in the form of a spin off.

As we both know, tourniquets only temporarily ease the problem and once again, there is a bullet 2 seconds from being in its head. Then a blast from the past arrives like Brendan Frasier in `99 and the gun jams, giving the X-men enough time to regroup, and us enough time to go to the bathroom.

Back on death row, we return to see the X-men on its last stand, now wasting material, thirsting for relevance, and we can't help but to wonder how in the Raven-Kurt-Hank blue Hell are they going to get out of this one.

But just as the trigger is being pulled, and the bullet is being relieved from its chamber, nothingness occurs. Existence disapparates (check your Magical Terms for Dummies book); it ceases to exist, or does it? Did this wonky-eyed situation really ameliorate or did Nightcrawler abscond with Time itself, like he did with my head?

Well, I think the camp at Fox would like you to think or at least believe as though nothing occurred in this apologetic production. But the fact of the matter is, it did occur; X-men The Last Stand DID happen; it was that one night that you wish you could have back; the three that you thought was an eight due to your beer goggles, the same night Bryan Singer turned his back on the franchise, and consequently his ace pilot, to go home with his ex, with whom he only got to second base with because of her subscription to Mother Nature Monthly...I'm sure she knew.

Cyclops reincarnated into "this" guy

I'm very impressed with Mrs. Donner as a producer and no one in this blogospgere or vast space that which we do not have a complete grasp on yet (insert net neutrality quip here) can tell me that this was not a ploy; they can't tell me that She did not consciously sit down and ponder over the Rita-like aftermath of her third X-men stepchild, searching for an alternative or "way out".

THIS porcupine is Kid Omega?!?! I guess I'm Spiderman

Well she found it in this X-men Something Something Time Travel movie, based off of probably one of my top five favorite X-men story arcs, Days of Future Past (The Hunt for Xavier, House of M, Age of Apocalypse **daily double**, and Necrosha are the other four).

However, if for S's & G's (shits & giggles) we were counting (which I'm not), then this would technically be the franchise's third mulligan.

They received one for The Last Stand (finally atoning for its sins) and then another one for Wolverine Origins (rebooting that into The Wolverine), and another unbeknownst mulligan for botching and back-burning the production of the Magneto: Origins (somewhere David Goyer wails); it's so hard to get a movie made about you.

But wait there's more, not only did the movie attempt to right it's wrongs, but it essentially wronged it's rights. In comparison to the other X-men movies, this is the first one with an actual purpose but where it made up in actual direction, it lacked in direction. Wait? What? Yes, I absolutely mean Bryan Singer had a rather heavy hand, and (I know this isn't his department) the editing made it look heavier.

Like Mystique, the film limped and limped with a sallow demeanor; the events were lain out rather lazily, correcting itself at the end but the rising phase was a snoozer without much density, in my opinion; I was left wanting a little more substance with less shooting in each scene, as they lily-padded throughout the movie.

These are not tears of joy

Now that's not to say that the movie didn't have substance; the material that was covered in the film was substantial as far as quantity, it's just I'm more so bothered by the quality displayed with the source material and the characters within the medium; if you can't read between the lines, I'm currently scalping the writers.

On the operating table, the writers lie, anesthetized (this isn't Saw, geez), as a formaldehyde drenched swine on its last oink. Yes, the end goal was attained but the pathway meandered towards it; I swear they wrote this movie with a crayon.

Screeching to a halt as I dismount from my soap box pummel horse, I will ask if the movie was effective by its standards. Was it? Well if conveniently erasing all of what we know formerly as the X-men franchise was it's objective, then I tip my mask to them. But as a consumer and a cog... SWEET CREAM ON AN ICE CREAM SAMICH! did you think that a wave of your magic cinematic wand would be satisfactory enough to justifiably nullify three movies?!?

Well in the words of a modern day showman and philosopher, it doesn't matter what I think; I will sit here and be force fed whatever post-apocalyptic, allegory of the cave/Matrix-like gruel that Fox feeds me.

So, when should you go see it? I would definitely go to see it this weekend, so it's second/third weekend worthy because it lacks the blockbuster appeal that garners an opening weekend crowd (outside of the comic fans); it lacked the amount of action that the average person would expect, this allowed it to really focus on the story.

It also has a dark undertone, which is understood when dealing with mass genocide; moreover, the emotional and physical grief that three of the four main characters bore, along with the amount of death, could be used to argue for a superhero drama genre label.

Moreover, the performances by the four leads (especially James McAvoy) were gripping. Grant it, three of four have been nominated for Academy Awards (Hugh Jackman, Jennifer Lawrence, and Michael Fassbender); with J-Law having earned two Academy's thus far (Winter's Bone and Silver Linings Playbook); and all four have been nominated for Golden Globes; J-Law and Jackman own three between them. With that said, the acting was spot on; James McAvoy had a stellar performance compared to his performance in First Class (not that it was bad or anything; Fassbender just stole the show).

The lack of action and the dark, dramatic tone were well welcomed by me, I just feel that summer blockbusters have less of those two characteristics and more laughs and explosions; nothing wrong or awry with that fact, just go see it this weekend or next weekend if you didn't see it opening weekend.

Grade wise I'd give it a B because despite my disdain for the technicalities and production, it accomplished its mission effectively by its own terms. Demerits are given for the fact that this movie carried out a "Clean Slate Protocol" to ultimately ask the comic book superhero movie gods for forgiveness.

That along with a boatload of inconsistencies and unanswered questions that would drive Monk crazy, the movie picked and chose aspects to incorporate and black out, leaving an attractive, overall coherent Frankenstein monster; all it wants is love from its fans.

Penny Dreadful Sundays 10:00 pm ET/PT (nice Showtime ad)

So, I feel as though I have every right to be perturbed by Fox's expensive and elaborate parlor trick. A parlor trick that has left me with a jammed gun in the middle of a desert, and what seems to be the long lost member of the Blue Man Group building pyramids, and two other pale riders. I mean really though, after two hours of apologizing, I don't even know if Wolverine has adamantium claws...you dodged another bullet my elusive, and dear friend.

Webb and Flow: The Amazing Spider-Man 2 review

Spider-Man..Spider-Man..oh where, oh where, do I begin? The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (ASM2) hit theaters May 2nd, 2014 domestically (April 16, 2014 internationally); the sequel stars Andrew Garfield as the eponymous role of Spider-Man. Honestly, you know the rest so let's begin. (FYI NO SPOILERS).

I cite the term ebb and flow for a couple of reasons (outside of the films budget and massive marketing montage); it functions relatively efficiently, and naturally without the use of drawing power (within the system) that a typical system would use. Most comic book superhero action movies rely heavily on thrills, the hell yeah moments, the oohh's the aahh's, yet ASM2 does not. 

Furthermore, a potential problem of an ebb and flow hydroponic system is that the system can increase water absorption. So, professor? What does that mean for the film? IT MEANS IT'S FREAKING BLOATED! (excuse me). If it were Ana, it would purge; however, unlike the binge induced trauma, it needs to purge in some aspects. Right now, I'm 2 Chainz and this is B.L.O.A.T.S. II, the sequel Based Lethargically (I know it's not a word yo) On A Tepid Script, Tormented Spidey, or Thick Storyline, pick your venom.

Now don't get me wrongs, it's dense plot works in many aspects. Why? It makes way for some insane chemistry and dynamics between the on and off again, on-screen offscreen couple. This is extremely enjoyable, as Emma Stone emerges as a viable, eminent force in the movie; yes, the movie does NOT work without her contribution (woo-hoo 21st century!: see Katniss, Beatrice, and Daenerys (yes, they all rhyme)) and acting chops; and yes, the emotion in this movie is too accurate to the strife Spidey endures in the comics. 

Also, the script and it's density, is rather simplistic, which isn't a bad thing in this case. But, in the other aspects the twisted plot lines are congruous with the intertwined web of roots that some ebb and flow systems have. No worries, it's nothing reminiscent of Spidey 3... It runs a risk of developing root rot, that's all I'll say.

What am I saying exactly? I'm saying that I was underwhelmed in regards to the usual criteria that describes a blockbuster, a superhero blockbuster at that, and overwhelmed by the drama. At one point I felt as if I was watching a direct adaptation of the Broadway Spider-Man fiasco.

As a movie, it works. It was very thematic, it has awesome character development, a good beginning middle and end, with a compelling protagonist who overcomes huge emotional obstacles, where some friends become enemies and some enemies become friends, with the titular character becoming richer from his experience at the end; Brian Griffin should take notes.

As a comic book movie, it lacked amazement, committing false advertisement. At no point in time was I worried about Spideys life or did the villains pose a vital threat to Spider-Man or humanity. I mean there was a close collision of two airplanes (the FAA would be ashamed), reminiscent of the almost ferry explosion in the Dark Knight. TRANSITION!!! (excuse me).

It had some themes and plot lines synonymous to some themes and plot lines in the Dark Knight (for clarification, I'm not a Dark Knight junkie, meaning it's not the benchmark for superhero movies, see the Avengers) but they operated on two different mechanisms. ASM2's mechanism is to solely set the stage for Spider-Man and the Sinister Six saga, I mean didn't we give Captain America, Thor, and Iron Man 2 a mulligan?

Yes, this is a filler movie, a placeholder, an arachnoid paperweight. With that, definitely go see the movie because despite the fact that it was not amazing, it was not bad, and it serves it's purpose ultimately making it effective by its own standards, which is all that truly matters; do you go through your life accomplishing other people's goals?

From the dazzling effects, catchy soundtrack, and adventuristically virtual directing, this movie is 3-D or IMAX worthy and will be a great summer movie experience (especially for movie dates) that reaches a broad audience. It's not a must-see opening weekend movie, or second weekend even; however, I'd go see it within the month, so letter wise it's about a B-.

All I will say is, this frank film flows flawlessly into what seems like an epic goldmine opportunity located in an uncharted territory. Unfortunately, we have to wait until 2016, or possibly 2018, until the web completely forms.